You Know Your Getting Old



So Let's see I thought I had passed every milestone possible to signify that I'm getting old.  I survived the big 50, the high blood pressure, the heart surgery, the forgetting every name I have ever known, the expanding waistline and the preceding diet for the rest of my life, not to mention taking more medicines than food.  Yes I thought I had survived it all, but now I face the real sign of old age, as the last of my children gets married. 

yes it's true this is a second marriage so I have had plenty of time to prepare for this but some things you just can't prepare for.  No longer do I have any control of them.  No longer am I considered wise and knowledgeable on life.  Now I'm just the Patriarch of the Family.  That's a title given to a person to make them feel honored.  Personally I can't think of a term that makes me feel older.  Moses was a Patriarch, Methuselah was a Patriarch, I remember referring to my Dad as a Patriarch and now I'm them?  Between that and the constant barrage of AARP mail I now know the meaning of feeling old. 

I know wine gets better with age, they say it gets sweeter.  I can't imagine being sweeter after sitting on a shelf for 40 years.  So here I come full circle.  I will give my daughter away, with a final dance and with any luck I won't break anything during the dance.  I'm starting to understand why older people get dogs that way they are still respected even if it is by something that chases his tail. 

At least Darla and I can grow old together, her gracefully and me kicking and screaming all the way.  Well time for my medicine. 

St. Patties Day



The grass is greener on the other side!  Of course it is my neighbor hires someone to take care of her lawn.  They use something called fertilizer and even water it,  I'm still trying to convince my neighbors my grass is a special blend that is naturally yellow.

Well one of the most different holidays is here, Saint Patricks day!  You have to really wonder about the Irish.  I mean lets analyze the traditions, first you take a perfectly drinkable beverage and make it green and then drink twice as much as you normally would.  Then for the big meal you have corned beef and cabbage.  Thats a vegetable your kids would never think of eating with a piece of meat that science still can't determine what you do to it.  Come on as far as holiday meals go not exactly the best of the year.  Kind of similar to having tuna for Easter.  Lets see Spiral ham, 4th of July hot dogs or hamburgers, roasted turkey or corned beef and cabbage hmmmm tough choice.  And don't forget all of this is done while wearing bright green.  Sounds like a lucky day to me.  I think my family will be digging out the peanut butter.

Mardi Gras 101

For all my west coast friends I thought it was only appropriate to provide some insight to this Holiday,  You see Mardi Gras is the perfect religious Holiday run amuck by mans justification, let me explain.

Mardi Gras is French for "Fat Tuesday" , referring to the practice of the last night of eating richer, fatty foods before the ritual fasting of the Lenten season, which begins on Ash Wednesday. Related popular practices are associated with celebrations before the fasting and religious obligations associated with the penitential season of Lent. Popular practices include wearing masks and costumes, overturning social conventions, dancing, sports competitions, parades, etc.  In other words if I'm going to give up something on Ash Wednesday I'm going to go completely crazy the day before to make up for it. 

The Celebration is typically decorated in three colors purple, green and gold which symbolize,
Purple represents Justice; Green represents Faith; Gold represents Power.  One item that is incorporated into almost every Mardi Gras celebration is beads of every size, shape, and color.  Thus picture parades with floats all decorated in purple, green and gold driving down the street with beads flying everywhere and you pretty much have the theme.

Now that you have that image through in food with names like King Cake, Dirty Rice, Jambalaya and Gumbo and now we are talking.  Thats enough carbs to kill a small horse let alone you and I.



Who says Halloween comes once a year

So there you have it, glutteny, dancing, beads flying, and the best part when it's all said and done your giving up something for religous good.  Leave it to Louisiana.

Presidents Day

Those of you who wake up singing here comes the sun have obviously never lived in Utah in the winter.  I think I would prefer Greenland where you can't see the sun much of the day rather than knowing that it is there somewhere in the sludge.  Personally I think it's a corporate plot planned by the ski resorts.  Why you ask, because if you drive up to the ski resorts the sludge suddenly lifts and you get bright beautiful sun on the slopes.  Just a coincidence, I think not.  So if you want to sing here comes the sun in Utah in the winter you better be at 10,000 feet.

One thing you learn when you get to know my family is we are really into Holidays and Traditions.  Yes at Halloween you have the pumpkin dish.  Why do we bake rice in a pumpkin and think it is caviar?  It doesn't matter you do it.  Coming up is one of those Holidays.  Yes Presidents day is the day we have a cherry whatever, cherry pie, cherry shakes, hey if desperate cherry pop tarts.  You see it's the day no matter how bizarre it may sound we celebrate a President lying.  As if that is something unusual.  Yes because George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and then lied about it and actually felt bad enough that he came clean, we will eat every cherry delectable known to man.

It has to make you wonder what we would be eating if this holiday were celebrating some other President.  Hey for what Nixon lied about I think a prime rib dinner would be in order.  If we were celebrating our current president we would all be eating pineapple in Hawaii and playing golf.  (Notice the attempt to be politically correct here, never once did I mention a name.  The last thing I need is the secret service breaking down the door ..... "You with the Pepsi up against the keyboard, frisk him boys, you think you don't see the sun now wait till we get done with you" .......)  Hey we could celebrate Carter and all have peanut butter sandwiches.

Well regardless of what could be we will continue to eat cherries in memory of a President who was willing to admit he told a lie, come to think of it that is unique.  I may have to have two pieces of pie with a little whipped cream for that one.

Valentines Day!



It's almost here that dreaded Holiday feared by the Male Species.  Yes Valentines day!  The day that every man has to proclaim his undying devotion by buying a gift to reflect that feeling.  It goes against everything a man holds dear, buying, emotion, buying, expressing, buying, feelings and of course shopping.

You see guys the truth be known you can't win on that day.  Sure Love is in the air and their can be some benefits but your going to pay for it.

Let's start with the first nightmare the dinner.  Normally a man buying food not a problem but on this day remember you are competing with every other male on the planet for that elusive reservation.  You won't be dining at Carls Jr. either, regardless of how good a six dollar burger sounds. We're talking tablecloths and all here with atmosphere and yes if the restaurant isn't right, well let's just say sleeping on the couch for the next month may be the least of your worries.

Then there is THE GIFT. I'm shaking while typing it. You have to face the reality you will not win with the gift.No matter how much you think your wife would love that Gym membership she's going to hate it and it will be a trap. The conversation will go something like this.

Your delightful Sweetheart: YOU BOUGHT MY A GYM MEMBERSHIP?
You: Yes my precious dear.
Sweetheart: Are you saying I'm FAT!

There is no correct response you can give after that so trust me don't try. Sure you can try flowers, candy and balloons but it won't work. You see the female mind works different than ours so we think mmmmmmm candy. She thinks that's the most creative thing you can come up with? So the odds are against you but let me see if I can help you out.

First, do not try and buy the perfect gift. Even if you could find one it's a trap if you buy the perfect gift this year what are you going to do next year. Basically you're setting yourself up for failure every year after.

Second, make sure you get a gift or your life is over from that point on. They say you cam be forgiven for murder in the next life but you can't be forgiven for that.

Third, learn the art of deception. Think of the soldier in the Gillie suit crawling in the field undetected. You can give the gym membership and get what you want but make it seem like it's not the gift.

You: Hi my delightful Sweetheart, I got you a nice relaxing pedicure and you know what they threw in? A gym membership for free if you think you'd like it not that you could use it.
(you have now appealed to some of the basic female instincts, a relaxing pedicure, it's her choice and you have used deception and as an added bonus appealed to her need for a good deal.)
Your Delightful Sweetheart: Oh how sweet and all I got you was this tie

Trust me if you want to live another day that is the best tie you have ever seen and you have been thinking for weeks Man I really need a tie and this one is the best one you have ever seen. You'll just have to trust me on that.

So men good luck just remember it can only last 24 hours but the affects will last the whole year. And if you are a typical man you will forget the reservations. I happen to have a couple of extras that I'm willing to sell for the right price. I have to pay for that gym membership somehow.

It's a Birthday!

It's Zach's Birthday!

Yes this weekend my Grandson turns 3 and it is a special day.  You see grandchildren are extremely special and an important tool.  They are a Grandparents only method of revenge on their children.  Yes it's true you can feed them full of candy and sugar, buy them noisy toys, keep them up all night and then send them home.  This is an excellent form of revenge for what your children put you through as they grew up.  I realize one night of their discomfort does not make up for the many sleepless nights they put us through during their teenage years but it does give an extreme sense of fair play. 

That being said you have to also watch out for your Grandchildren.  As much as they can be a weapon of revenge they can also be used against you.  You see most US Strategists have learned that Grandchildren have an uncanny ability for mind control over Grandparents.  I have seen ex Navy Seals reduced to zombies by a 2 year old in ice cream store.  Professional weight lifters in front of hospital windows making unidentifiable noises at the new grandchild on the other side. 

It doesn't take long for parents to realize this and use it against you.  The conversation goes something like this, " Dad your Grandson would like you to build an addition on your house so they can have a toy room, your Grandson would really like that."  With a comment like that an otherwise sane man will suddenly start building an addition he can't afford just for the joy on the face of his Grandchild with a toy room.  This weapon can be used to promote weight loss, change clothing styles, or purchase new larger cars. 

Modern Scientists have been trying to understand this method of mind control but as of this writing have been unable to crack the secret.  It has been suggested that personal interrogation in the military be conducted by Grandchildren as there would be no defense against it.  I personally believe if we could find Bin Ladens Grandchildren we could convince him to surrender overnight. 

That being said Saturday is a special day for this Grandparent.  So Zach have a great birthday and your Dad let me know that you would like me to lose 150 pounds by the 4th of July and that you would really like it if I bought Hawaii.  I'll see what I can do and throw in a pony.  

Bragging Rights!

SUPER BOWL

PreGame

Yes that is a Bret Favre action figure on front of the table and yes his helmet is on backwards, he's not allowed to watch the game.  This is Packer Central at our party.  To make sure anyone who came and was a steelers fan had a Central we also set up an area for them.

Ah yes the Packers won giving me bragging rights for a year, no one died and we had enough meat products to feed a small country and even a veggie or two.  Does it get any better than that?

POSTGAME