Mans Favorite Holiday

Okay Let's get one debate over right now.  No my glass is not half full, it's always half empty.  In fact at best it will be half empty if not all the way empty.  Did I mention my glass is sitting on a claymore landmine?  Don't even think about filling it!

It's the most wonderful time of the year,
There will be popcorn a toasting and hot wings a roasting and Pepsi for All
It's the most wonderful time since last fall!

It's the Hap Happiest time of the year,
There will be footballs a flying and temperatures rising and calls not so clear
But it's the Hap Happiest game of the year!

Yes it's here again a mans favorite Holiday Super Bowl Sunday!  Did I mention my Packers are in the Super Bowl?  Ah the Food, the Fun, the Commercials and oh yeah there is even a football game in there somewhere.  Super Bowl Sunday is the chance to get the family around the TV, eat food designed to kill you and scream at a box in the corner of the room.  That is of course unless the Green Bay Packers make it and then it becomes a religious experience.  Feel free to Wiki Vince Lombardi and I think you'll share my thinking on that.

Truth be known though traditionally the games aren't that good.  In fact most women watch for the halftime show and of course the crown jewel of the Super Bowl, commercials.  Where else can you go to see a few companies burn through millions of dollars in 30 seconds just to get our attention.  Sure we could probably end world hunger or save a third world country with the money but then what would we talk about the day after around the water cooler?  Yes for four wonderful hours (longer with pregame) all our cares seem to drift away.  We become brethren in a common cause.  Man Vs. Food for the little guy. 

So from my living room with the Cheese Heads and blankets to yours I wish you a Merry Super Bowl and a Happy Food Year!

GO PACKERS!!!!

MidLife Crisis

For a couple of years now I have been waiting for my midlife crisis.  You know when I go crazier than I already am and start driving new sports cars etc.  I went out and got the car brochures but for some reason nothing happened.  As I was contemplating when the crisis would occur I realized I really didn't know what this was all about and what caused it just that I was getting a new sports car.  With that in mind to the Wikipedia.

The mid-life crisis is a stage when many men are plagued by feelings that their life has no meaning o that their physical and mental powers are spent.  (Actually I just considered that a daily occurrence, I had no idea there was anything different after 50.)At least some of the market for sports cars can be attributed to conspicuous consumption spurred by customers midlife insecurities. 

Individuals experiencing a midlife crisis have some of these feelings:

• Search of an undefined dream or goal
• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
• a fear of humiliation amongst more successful colleagues
• desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
• need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

Hmmmm maybe this is part of the problem lack of preparation.  I can't name an undefined goal, I avoid successful colleagues and I gave up being youthful a longtime ago.  I can see this is going to be harder than I thought.

Insecurities go so far as to affixing the badge of an expensive sports car to a cheaper one, in an attempt to convey a false sense of success.

They exhibit some of these behaviors:

• abuse of alcohol (since I don't drink this one is out)
• depression (the more I'm researching my midlife crisis the more depressed I'm becoming)
• paying special attention t physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing younger designer clothes etc.  ( I couldn't cover this much baldness with a rug and at this point in time I'll wear anything that fits designer or not.)
• entering relationships with younger people (my wife would probably be happy to give me to someone else at this stage of the game but I'm not giving up the 30 years of brainwashing I've put her through to stay with me.  Not to mention the sheer notion of going through the dating game again gives me chills.)
• acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as motorbikes, boats, clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, piercings, etc. ( Ahhhhh now we are talking this is what I have been waiting for although I think I'll pass on the piercings.

So now I have a much clearer picture but I can't find anywhere in the reading how I'm supposed to get my Lamborghini.  Maybe there is a government program that gives you a government grant for sports cars or perhaps I just show up at the dealership and it's kind of like Santa.  Bottom Line if I don't get my Ferrari soon I'm not going to be calling it a mid-life anything.

All I can say is if anyone sees me driving around with a beamer hood ornament on my Nissan Sentra, trust me if I were you I wouldn't say a word. 

New Years Resolutions

Warning

You are entering a sarcastic zone. If you are one of those people that can find something positive about the death of Bambi's mother you are in the wrong place. This page may show shades of sarcastic views.

Awe yes here we are a day when I lose a lot of my stress. You see today is the day you realize that you have toasted most of your New Years Day resolutions. Personally I think any resolution that lasts over a week is way too much to expect of anybody and especially if it has anything to do with losing weight. I'm more into immediate gratification. That's why this year my first resolution was to wake up the next day. Yes I walked around all day with a smile on my face knowing I was already one for one. I'm also a firm believer that more chances at gratification are better than fewer. For example rather than have a resolution to lose thirty pounds set 30 resolutions to lose one pound, not only is it an easier goal, it offers the chance of partial completion not to mention you get to celebrate thirty times instead of one. Sheer Genius.

So here we are it's the beginning of January and the carnage begins. From Jan 1st to April 15th is the official tax season. A time for the government to express their desire to see you die of a heart attack but not until they have collected your soul.

There are some new tax forms this year that you may have seen. With the first tax form it is simply one line, some instructions and it can be filled out with just your W2s. It basically says how much did you make which is the blank you fill in and then the instructions, send it in. Then another one that is making headway this year includes a large medical blood vile and the following instructions: In case we left any please extract it and send it in. Another allows you to pledge your children's servitude online to settle your taxes and finally one giving the government permission to take your soul as partial payment.

Also as a public service announcement you need to be aware that some businesses for reasons unknown have been issuing their W2s prior to the 31st of January. Although legal, science has been unable to prove what would cause a company to do this voluntarily. Homeland Security has claimed it to be an act of terror. If you find yourself receiving yours early you may want to put it in a sealed envelope and mark it do not open until January 31st so as not to be a part of this kind of lunacy.

H and R Block will be running Mourning Therapy classes this year to help ease the pain of the new tax laws and for suicide prevention. If you have any questions you can contact the tax assistance hotline blog at http://www.yourkiddingrightasifwecare.com/

In The Beginning

WARNING

You are now entering a sarcastic zone if you are one of these people who can find something positive about the death of Bambi's Mother you are in the wrong place this writing may show shades of Jaded views.

Hmmmmm Blogging! I really have no intent to blog and in fact my generation traditionally can't spell blog let alone create one, but I am being influenced by my children to share my prospective of life. Personally I can't understand why I am creating something that I'm sure will be used at my commitment hearing but at least it will give my children some good value when they are seeing there 500 dollar an hour psychiatrists to discuss their childhood.

Let me start by explaining a little about the opinions of this blog. You see I am in that forbidden American Class of citizens, you know the white over 50 crowd. This means I am walking on a banana peel health wise, am on the verge of losing what little mind I have left and my only goal in life is to attempt to live to retirement. I have recently entered the in between job phase (another way of saying I was laid off) and I am realizing the world is a much different place since I turned 50.

You see back when I was hiring people I had a keen knack for looking at resumes and picking out the bull from the flowers. I learned that when a resume said VP of local landscaping corporation for 6 months it meant two guys and a mower working summer jobs. Now the companies actually do this. I applied for a Financial Services Representative position the other day something I have been doing for over 15 years now to find that was the companies title for a teller. I guess I should have looked for postings for Fed Chairman in training. In fact even the way you construct your resume has changed. I met with a gentleman who was trying to explain the current job market to me.

Him: Now make sure you downplay your experience and try to conceal your age.

Me: so your telling me I don't want to be good at what I do and have wisdom?

Him: That's right they can't afford the best and they don't want to pay too much. They also don't want someone with bad health. It costs too much for their insurance program.

Me: isn't that like age discrimination.

Him: No it's health cost discrimination and that doesn't count. You also need to know the best way to actually get a job is to know someone. They don't hire anymore on job postings from the Internet.

Me: from the Internet? Isn't that the same thing as the classifieds?

Him: (with look on his face he just found the missing link) do they still do that in the papers? And how is your facebook page?

Me: Facebook page? You mean where I go to play Bejeweled Blitz? It seems to work fine.

At this point I was given up for dead and he recommended I start checking out Monasteries in the Himalayas.

You just once I would like to turn in a resume saying Hi I'm 24 and a runner up to the Nobel peace prize Uncle Bill Gates and Uncle Steve Jobs suggested I talk to you. I won't be able to interview for 2 weeks though because I'm going on vacation with my cousin Rachel Hunter. I'd love to see if I'd get an interview.

So while I am waiting for Bill or Steve to call I am doing what I have done for years Currency Trading. This is one of the best jobs in the world. I work from home with a laptop and can pretend to do something important. You see most people have no idea what currency trading is it has a certain mystery to it. You can talk to your neighbors and say Yes I trade currencies in the morning and then follow Indiana Jones search for the Holy Grail in the afternoons and they'll buy it because of the mystic of the currency trading. In fact it's a great way for the little guy to feel important knowing he is right their trading currency just like the Arabian Sheik or Ford Motor Corporation. The Game is a little different though (Conversation after losing for the day at currency trading)

Me: Dear I'm sorry but we are going to have to sell one of the Children I know they're married and their wives won't be happy but I can't afford the loss.

The Sheik: Camel Fodder I had a loss today call the real estate broker tell him I can't buy Hawaii today but keep the deal for Cancun and ask him if he would mind holding Hawaii for next week.

Ford Motor: Alright we lost a bundle at currency trading today now we qualify for the bailout and we'll double our money again this year.

This is the general idea of currency trading. Much like a real life monopoly game with real money. I have to admit though for some reason I don't think the sheik trades in his pajamas and I'm willing to bet his has something a little faster than my laptop and a wireless connection but hey no problem I can still play with him.

Now you have a brief look at the beginnings of this blog. Parables on Life according to me. I should probably let my kids commit me, I'd get free meals a place to live and I hear there Internet connection is great for currency trading.