Valentines Day!



It's almost here that dreaded Holiday feared by the Male Species.  Yes Valentines day!  The day that every man has to proclaim his undying devotion by buying a gift to reflect that feeling.  It goes against everything a man holds dear, buying, emotion, buying, expressing, buying, feelings and of course shopping.

You see guys the truth be known you can't win on that day.  Sure Love is in the air and their can be some benefits but your going to pay for it.

Let's start with the first nightmare the dinner.  Normally a man buying food not a problem but on this day remember you are competing with every other male on the planet for that elusive reservation.  You won't be dining at Carls Jr. either, regardless of how good a six dollar burger sounds. We're talking tablecloths and all here with atmosphere and yes if the restaurant isn't right, well let's just say sleeping on the couch for the next month may be the least of your worries.

Then there is THE GIFT. I'm shaking while typing it. You have to face the reality you will not win with the gift.No matter how much you think your wife would love that Gym membership she's going to hate it and it will be a trap. The conversation will go something like this.

Your delightful Sweetheart: YOU BOUGHT MY A GYM MEMBERSHIP?
You: Yes my precious dear.
Sweetheart: Are you saying I'm FAT!

There is no correct response you can give after that so trust me don't try. Sure you can try flowers, candy and balloons but it won't work. You see the female mind works different than ours so we think mmmmmmm candy. She thinks that's the most creative thing you can come up with? So the odds are against you but let me see if I can help you out.

First, do not try and buy the perfect gift. Even if you could find one it's a trap if you buy the perfect gift this year what are you going to do next year. Basically you're setting yourself up for failure every year after.

Second, make sure you get a gift or your life is over from that point on. They say you cam be forgiven for murder in the next life but you can't be forgiven for that.

Third, learn the art of deception. Think of the soldier in the Gillie suit crawling in the field undetected. You can give the gym membership and get what you want but make it seem like it's not the gift.

You: Hi my delightful Sweetheart, I got you a nice relaxing pedicure and you know what they threw in? A gym membership for free if you think you'd like it not that you could use it.
(you have now appealed to some of the basic female instincts, a relaxing pedicure, it's her choice and you have used deception and as an added bonus appealed to her need for a good deal.)
Your Delightful Sweetheart: Oh how sweet and all I got you was this tie

Trust me if you want to live another day that is the best tie you have ever seen and you have been thinking for weeks Man I really need a tie and this one is the best one you have ever seen. You'll just have to trust me on that.

So men good luck just remember it can only last 24 hours but the affects will last the whole year. And if you are a typical man you will forget the reservations. I happen to have a couple of extras that I'm willing to sell for the right price. I have to pay for that gym membership somehow.

It's a Birthday!

It's Zach's Birthday!

Yes this weekend my Grandson turns 3 and it is a special day.  You see grandchildren are extremely special and an important tool.  They are a Grandparents only method of revenge on their children.  Yes it's true you can feed them full of candy and sugar, buy them noisy toys, keep them up all night and then send them home.  This is an excellent form of revenge for what your children put you through as they grew up.  I realize one night of their discomfort does not make up for the many sleepless nights they put us through during their teenage years but it does give an extreme sense of fair play. 

That being said you have to also watch out for your Grandchildren.  As much as they can be a weapon of revenge they can also be used against you.  You see most US Strategists have learned that Grandchildren have an uncanny ability for mind control over Grandparents.  I have seen ex Navy Seals reduced to zombies by a 2 year old in ice cream store.  Professional weight lifters in front of hospital windows making unidentifiable noises at the new grandchild on the other side. 

It doesn't take long for parents to realize this and use it against you.  The conversation goes something like this, " Dad your Grandson would like you to build an addition on your house so they can have a toy room, your Grandson would really like that."  With a comment like that an otherwise sane man will suddenly start building an addition he can't afford just for the joy on the face of his Grandchild with a toy room.  This weapon can be used to promote weight loss, change clothing styles, or purchase new larger cars. 

Modern Scientists have been trying to understand this method of mind control but as of this writing have been unable to crack the secret.  It has been suggested that personal interrogation in the military be conducted by Grandchildren as there would be no defense against it.  I personally believe if we could find Bin Ladens Grandchildren we could convince him to surrender overnight. 

That being said Saturday is a special day for this Grandparent.  So Zach have a great birthday and your Dad let me know that you would like me to lose 150 pounds by the 4th of July and that you would really like it if I bought Hawaii.  I'll see what I can do and throw in a pony.  

Bragging Rights!

SUPER BOWL

PreGame

Yes that is a Bret Favre action figure on front of the table and yes his helmet is on backwards, he's not allowed to watch the game.  This is Packer Central at our party.  To make sure anyone who came and was a steelers fan had a Central we also set up an area for them.

Ah yes the Packers won giving me bragging rights for a year, no one died and we had enough meat products to feed a small country and even a veggie or two.  Does it get any better than that?

POSTGAME