You Know Your Getting Old



So Let's see I thought I had passed every milestone possible to signify that I'm getting old.  I survived the big 50, the high blood pressure, the heart surgery, the forgetting every name I have ever known, the expanding waistline and the preceding diet for the rest of my life, not to mention taking more medicines than food.  Yes I thought I had survived it all, but now I face the real sign of old age, as the last of my children gets married. 

yes it's true this is a second marriage so I have had plenty of time to prepare for this but some things you just can't prepare for.  No longer do I have any control of them.  No longer am I considered wise and knowledgeable on life.  Now I'm just the Patriarch of the Family.  That's a title given to a person to make them feel honored.  Personally I can't think of a term that makes me feel older.  Moses was a Patriarch, Methuselah was a Patriarch, I remember referring to my Dad as a Patriarch and now I'm them?  Between that and the constant barrage of AARP mail I now know the meaning of feeling old. 

I know wine gets better with age, they say it gets sweeter.  I can't imagine being sweeter after sitting on a shelf for 40 years.  So here I come full circle.  I will give my daughter away, with a final dance and with any luck I won't break anything during the dance.  I'm starting to understand why older people get dogs that way they are still respected even if it is by something that chases his tail. 

At least Darla and I can grow old together, her gracefully and me kicking and screaming all the way.  Well time for my medicine. 

St. Patties Day



The grass is greener on the other side!  Of course it is my neighbor hires someone to take care of her lawn.  They use something called fertilizer and even water it,  I'm still trying to convince my neighbors my grass is a special blend that is naturally yellow.

Well one of the most different holidays is here, Saint Patricks day!  You have to really wonder about the Irish.  I mean lets analyze the traditions, first you take a perfectly drinkable beverage and make it green and then drink twice as much as you normally would.  Then for the big meal you have corned beef and cabbage.  Thats a vegetable your kids would never think of eating with a piece of meat that science still can't determine what you do to it.  Come on as far as holiday meals go not exactly the best of the year.  Kind of similar to having tuna for Easter.  Lets see Spiral ham, 4th of July hot dogs or hamburgers, roasted turkey or corned beef and cabbage hmmmm tough choice.  And don't forget all of this is done while wearing bright green.  Sounds like a lucky day to me.  I think my family will be digging out the peanut butter.

Mardi Gras 101

For all my west coast friends I thought it was only appropriate to provide some insight to this Holiday,  You see Mardi Gras is the perfect religious Holiday run amuck by mans justification, let me explain.

Mardi Gras is French for "Fat Tuesday" , referring to the practice of the last night of eating richer, fatty foods before the ritual fasting of the Lenten season, which begins on Ash Wednesday. Related popular practices are associated with celebrations before the fasting and religious obligations associated with the penitential season of Lent. Popular practices include wearing masks and costumes, overturning social conventions, dancing, sports competitions, parades, etc.  In other words if I'm going to give up something on Ash Wednesday I'm going to go completely crazy the day before to make up for it. 

The Celebration is typically decorated in three colors purple, green and gold which symbolize,
Purple represents Justice; Green represents Faith; Gold represents Power.  One item that is incorporated into almost every Mardi Gras celebration is beads of every size, shape, and color.  Thus picture parades with floats all decorated in purple, green and gold driving down the street with beads flying everywhere and you pretty much have the theme.

Now that you have that image through in food with names like King Cake, Dirty Rice, Jambalaya and Gumbo and now we are talking.  Thats enough carbs to kill a small horse let alone you and I.



Who says Halloween comes once a year

So there you have it, glutteny, dancing, beads flying, and the best part when it's all said and done your giving up something for religous good.  Leave it to Louisiana.

Presidents Day

Those of you who wake up singing here comes the sun have obviously never lived in Utah in the winter.  I think I would prefer Greenland where you can't see the sun much of the day rather than knowing that it is there somewhere in the sludge.  Personally I think it's a corporate plot planned by the ski resorts.  Why you ask, because if you drive up to the ski resorts the sludge suddenly lifts and you get bright beautiful sun on the slopes.  Just a coincidence, I think not.  So if you want to sing here comes the sun in Utah in the winter you better be at 10,000 feet.

One thing you learn when you get to know my family is we are really into Holidays and Traditions.  Yes at Halloween you have the pumpkin dish.  Why do we bake rice in a pumpkin and think it is caviar?  It doesn't matter you do it.  Coming up is one of those Holidays.  Yes Presidents day is the day we have a cherry whatever, cherry pie, cherry shakes, hey if desperate cherry pop tarts.  You see it's the day no matter how bizarre it may sound we celebrate a President lying.  As if that is something unusual.  Yes because George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and then lied about it and actually felt bad enough that he came clean, we will eat every cherry delectable known to man.

It has to make you wonder what we would be eating if this holiday were celebrating some other President.  Hey for what Nixon lied about I think a prime rib dinner would be in order.  If we were celebrating our current president we would all be eating pineapple in Hawaii and playing golf.  (Notice the attempt to be politically correct here, never once did I mention a name.  The last thing I need is the secret service breaking down the door ..... "You with the Pepsi up against the keyboard, frisk him boys, you think you don't see the sun now wait till we get done with you" .......)  Hey we could celebrate Carter and all have peanut butter sandwiches.

Well regardless of what could be we will continue to eat cherries in memory of a President who was willing to admit he told a lie, come to think of it that is unique.  I may have to have two pieces of pie with a little whipped cream for that one.

Valentines Day!



It's almost here that dreaded Holiday feared by the Male Species.  Yes Valentines day!  The day that every man has to proclaim his undying devotion by buying a gift to reflect that feeling.  It goes against everything a man holds dear, buying, emotion, buying, expressing, buying, feelings and of course shopping.

You see guys the truth be known you can't win on that day.  Sure Love is in the air and their can be some benefits but your going to pay for it.

Let's start with the first nightmare the dinner.  Normally a man buying food not a problem but on this day remember you are competing with every other male on the planet for that elusive reservation.  You won't be dining at Carls Jr. either, regardless of how good a six dollar burger sounds. We're talking tablecloths and all here with atmosphere and yes if the restaurant isn't right, well let's just say sleeping on the couch for the next month may be the least of your worries.

Then there is THE GIFT. I'm shaking while typing it. You have to face the reality you will not win with the gift.No matter how much you think your wife would love that Gym membership she's going to hate it and it will be a trap. The conversation will go something like this.

Your delightful Sweetheart: YOU BOUGHT MY A GYM MEMBERSHIP?
You: Yes my precious dear.
Sweetheart: Are you saying I'm FAT!

There is no correct response you can give after that so trust me don't try. Sure you can try flowers, candy and balloons but it won't work. You see the female mind works different than ours so we think mmmmmmm candy. She thinks that's the most creative thing you can come up with? So the odds are against you but let me see if I can help you out.

First, do not try and buy the perfect gift. Even if you could find one it's a trap if you buy the perfect gift this year what are you going to do next year. Basically you're setting yourself up for failure every year after.

Second, make sure you get a gift or your life is over from that point on. They say you cam be forgiven for murder in the next life but you can't be forgiven for that.

Third, learn the art of deception. Think of the soldier in the Gillie suit crawling in the field undetected. You can give the gym membership and get what you want but make it seem like it's not the gift.

You: Hi my delightful Sweetheart, I got you a nice relaxing pedicure and you know what they threw in? A gym membership for free if you think you'd like it not that you could use it.
(you have now appealed to some of the basic female instincts, a relaxing pedicure, it's her choice and you have used deception and as an added bonus appealed to her need for a good deal.)
Your Delightful Sweetheart: Oh how sweet and all I got you was this tie

Trust me if you want to live another day that is the best tie you have ever seen and you have been thinking for weeks Man I really need a tie and this one is the best one you have ever seen. You'll just have to trust me on that.

So men good luck just remember it can only last 24 hours but the affects will last the whole year. And if you are a typical man you will forget the reservations. I happen to have a couple of extras that I'm willing to sell for the right price. I have to pay for that gym membership somehow.

It's a Birthday!

It's Zach's Birthday!

Yes this weekend my Grandson turns 3 and it is a special day.  You see grandchildren are extremely special and an important tool.  They are a Grandparents only method of revenge on their children.  Yes it's true you can feed them full of candy and sugar, buy them noisy toys, keep them up all night and then send them home.  This is an excellent form of revenge for what your children put you through as they grew up.  I realize one night of their discomfort does not make up for the many sleepless nights they put us through during their teenage years but it does give an extreme sense of fair play. 

That being said you have to also watch out for your Grandchildren.  As much as they can be a weapon of revenge they can also be used against you.  You see most US Strategists have learned that Grandchildren have an uncanny ability for mind control over Grandparents.  I have seen ex Navy Seals reduced to zombies by a 2 year old in ice cream store.  Professional weight lifters in front of hospital windows making unidentifiable noises at the new grandchild on the other side. 

It doesn't take long for parents to realize this and use it against you.  The conversation goes something like this, " Dad your Grandson would like you to build an addition on your house so they can have a toy room, your Grandson would really like that."  With a comment like that an otherwise sane man will suddenly start building an addition he can't afford just for the joy on the face of his Grandchild with a toy room.  This weapon can be used to promote weight loss, change clothing styles, or purchase new larger cars. 

Modern Scientists have been trying to understand this method of mind control but as of this writing have been unable to crack the secret.  It has been suggested that personal interrogation in the military be conducted by Grandchildren as there would be no defense against it.  I personally believe if we could find Bin Ladens Grandchildren we could convince him to surrender overnight. 

That being said Saturday is a special day for this Grandparent.  So Zach have a great birthday and your Dad let me know that you would like me to lose 150 pounds by the 4th of July and that you would really like it if I bought Hawaii.  I'll see what I can do and throw in a pony.  

Bragging Rights!

SUPER BOWL

PreGame

Yes that is a Bret Favre action figure on front of the table and yes his helmet is on backwards, he's not allowed to watch the game.  This is Packer Central at our party.  To make sure anyone who came and was a steelers fan had a Central we also set up an area for them.

Ah yes the Packers won giving me bragging rights for a year, no one died and we had enough meat products to feed a small country and even a veggie or two.  Does it get any better than that?

POSTGAME



Mans Favorite Holiday

Okay Let's get one debate over right now.  No my glass is not half full, it's always half empty.  In fact at best it will be half empty if not all the way empty.  Did I mention my glass is sitting on a claymore landmine?  Don't even think about filling it!

It's the most wonderful time of the year,
There will be popcorn a toasting and hot wings a roasting and Pepsi for All
It's the most wonderful time since last fall!

It's the Hap Happiest time of the year,
There will be footballs a flying and temperatures rising and calls not so clear
But it's the Hap Happiest game of the year!

Yes it's here again a mans favorite Holiday Super Bowl Sunday!  Did I mention my Packers are in the Super Bowl?  Ah the Food, the Fun, the Commercials and oh yeah there is even a football game in there somewhere.  Super Bowl Sunday is the chance to get the family around the TV, eat food designed to kill you and scream at a box in the corner of the room.  That is of course unless the Green Bay Packers make it and then it becomes a religious experience.  Feel free to Wiki Vince Lombardi and I think you'll share my thinking on that.

Truth be known though traditionally the games aren't that good.  In fact most women watch for the halftime show and of course the crown jewel of the Super Bowl, commercials.  Where else can you go to see a few companies burn through millions of dollars in 30 seconds just to get our attention.  Sure we could probably end world hunger or save a third world country with the money but then what would we talk about the day after around the water cooler?  Yes for four wonderful hours (longer with pregame) all our cares seem to drift away.  We become brethren in a common cause.  Man Vs. Food for the little guy. 

So from my living room with the Cheese Heads and blankets to yours I wish you a Merry Super Bowl and a Happy Food Year!

GO PACKERS!!!!

MidLife Crisis

For a couple of years now I have been waiting for my midlife crisis.  You know when I go crazier than I already am and start driving new sports cars etc.  I went out and got the car brochures but for some reason nothing happened.  As I was contemplating when the crisis would occur I realized I really didn't know what this was all about and what caused it just that I was getting a new sports car.  With that in mind to the Wikipedia.

The mid-life crisis is a stage when many men are plagued by feelings that their life has no meaning o that their physical and mental powers are spent.  (Actually I just considered that a daily occurrence, I had no idea there was anything different after 50.)At least some of the market for sports cars can be attributed to conspicuous consumption spurred by customers midlife insecurities. 

Individuals experiencing a midlife crisis have some of these feelings:

• Search of an undefined dream or goal
• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
• a fear of humiliation amongst more successful colleagues
• desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
• need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

Hmmmm maybe this is part of the problem lack of preparation.  I can't name an undefined goal, I avoid successful colleagues and I gave up being youthful a longtime ago.  I can see this is going to be harder than I thought.

Insecurities go so far as to affixing the badge of an expensive sports car to a cheaper one, in an attempt to convey a false sense of success.

They exhibit some of these behaviors:

• abuse of alcohol (since I don't drink this one is out)
• depression (the more I'm researching my midlife crisis the more depressed I'm becoming)
• paying special attention t physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing younger designer clothes etc.  ( I couldn't cover this much baldness with a rug and at this point in time I'll wear anything that fits designer or not.)
• entering relationships with younger people (my wife would probably be happy to give me to someone else at this stage of the game but I'm not giving up the 30 years of brainwashing I've put her through to stay with me.  Not to mention the sheer notion of going through the dating game again gives me chills.)
• acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as motorbikes, boats, clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, piercings, etc. ( Ahhhhh now we are talking this is what I have been waiting for although I think I'll pass on the piercings.

So now I have a much clearer picture but I can't find anywhere in the reading how I'm supposed to get my Lamborghini.  Maybe there is a government program that gives you a government grant for sports cars or perhaps I just show up at the dealership and it's kind of like Santa.  Bottom Line if I don't get my Ferrari soon I'm not going to be calling it a mid-life anything.

All I can say is if anyone sees me driving around with a beamer hood ornament on my Nissan Sentra, trust me if I were you I wouldn't say a word. 

New Years Resolutions

Warning

You are entering a sarcastic zone. If you are one of those people that can find something positive about the death of Bambi's mother you are in the wrong place. This page may show shades of sarcastic views.

Awe yes here we are a day when I lose a lot of my stress. You see today is the day you realize that you have toasted most of your New Years Day resolutions. Personally I think any resolution that lasts over a week is way too much to expect of anybody and especially if it has anything to do with losing weight. I'm more into immediate gratification. That's why this year my first resolution was to wake up the next day. Yes I walked around all day with a smile on my face knowing I was already one for one. I'm also a firm believer that more chances at gratification are better than fewer. For example rather than have a resolution to lose thirty pounds set 30 resolutions to lose one pound, not only is it an easier goal, it offers the chance of partial completion not to mention you get to celebrate thirty times instead of one. Sheer Genius.

So here we are it's the beginning of January and the carnage begins. From Jan 1st to April 15th is the official tax season. A time for the government to express their desire to see you die of a heart attack but not until they have collected your soul.

There are some new tax forms this year that you may have seen. With the first tax form it is simply one line, some instructions and it can be filled out with just your W2s. It basically says how much did you make which is the blank you fill in and then the instructions, send it in. Then another one that is making headway this year includes a large medical blood vile and the following instructions: In case we left any please extract it and send it in. Another allows you to pledge your children's servitude online to settle your taxes and finally one giving the government permission to take your soul as partial payment.

Also as a public service announcement you need to be aware that some businesses for reasons unknown have been issuing their W2s prior to the 31st of January. Although legal, science has been unable to prove what would cause a company to do this voluntarily. Homeland Security has claimed it to be an act of terror. If you find yourself receiving yours early you may want to put it in a sealed envelope and mark it do not open until January 31st so as not to be a part of this kind of lunacy.

H and R Block will be running Mourning Therapy classes this year to help ease the pain of the new tax laws and for suicide prevention. If you have any questions you can contact the tax assistance hotline blog at http://www.yourkiddingrightasifwecare.com/

In The Beginning

WARNING

You are now entering a sarcastic zone if you are one of these people who can find something positive about the death of Bambi's Mother you are in the wrong place this writing may show shades of Jaded views.

Hmmmmm Blogging! I really have no intent to blog and in fact my generation traditionally can't spell blog let alone create one, but I am being influenced by my children to share my prospective of life. Personally I can't understand why I am creating something that I'm sure will be used at my commitment hearing but at least it will give my children some good value when they are seeing there 500 dollar an hour psychiatrists to discuss their childhood.

Let me start by explaining a little about the opinions of this blog. You see I am in that forbidden American Class of citizens, you know the white over 50 crowd. This means I am walking on a banana peel health wise, am on the verge of losing what little mind I have left and my only goal in life is to attempt to live to retirement. I have recently entered the in between job phase (another way of saying I was laid off) and I am realizing the world is a much different place since I turned 50.

You see back when I was hiring people I had a keen knack for looking at resumes and picking out the bull from the flowers. I learned that when a resume said VP of local landscaping corporation for 6 months it meant two guys and a mower working summer jobs. Now the companies actually do this. I applied for a Financial Services Representative position the other day something I have been doing for over 15 years now to find that was the companies title for a teller. I guess I should have looked for postings for Fed Chairman in training. In fact even the way you construct your resume has changed. I met with a gentleman who was trying to explain the current job market to me.

Him: Now make sure you downplay your experience and try to conceal your age.

Me: so your telling me I don't want to be good at what I do and have wisdom?

Him: That's right they can't afford the best and they don't want to pay too much. They also don't want someone with bad health. It costs too much for their insurance program.

Me: isn't that like age discrimination.

Him: No it's health cost discrimination and that doesn't count. You also need to know the best way to actually get a job is to know someone. They don't hire anymore on job postings from the Internet.

Me: from the Internet? Isn't that the same thing as the classifieds?

Him: (with look on his face he just found the missing link) do they still do that in the papers? And how is your facebook page?

Me: Facebook page? You mean where I go to play Bejeweled Blitz? It seems to work fine.

At this point I was given up for dead and he recommended I start checking out Monasteries in the Himalayas.

You just once I would like to turn in a resume saying Hi I'm 24 and a runner up to the Nobel peace prize Uncle Bill Gates and Uncle Steve Jobs suggested I talk to you. I won't be able to interview for 2 weeks though because I'm going on vacation with my cousin Rachel Hunter. I'd love to see if I'd get an interview.

So while I am waiting for Bill or Steve to call I am doing what I have done for years Currency Trading. This is one of the best jobs in the world. I work from home with a laptop and can pretend to do something important. You see most people have no idea what currency trading is it has a certain mystery to it. You can talk to your neighbors and say Yes I trade currencies in the morning and then follow Indiana Jones search for the Holy Grail in the afternoons and they'll buy it because of the mystic of the currency trading. In fact it's a great way for the little guy to feel important knowing he is right their trading currency just like the Arabian Sheik or Ford Motor Corporation. The Game is a little different though (Conversation after losing for the day at currency trading)

Me: Dear I'm sorry but we are going to have to sell one of the Children I know they're married and their wives won't be happy but I can't afford the loss.

The Sheik: Camel Fodder I had a loss today call the real estate broker tell him I can't buy Hawaii today but keep the deal for Cancun and ask him if he would mind holding Hawaii for next week.

Ford Motor: Alright we lost a bundle at currency trading today now we qualify for the bailout and we'll double our money again this year.

This is the general idea of currency trading. Much like a real life monopoly game with real money. I have to admit though for some reason I don't think the sheik trades in his pajamas and I'm willing to bet his has something a little faster than my laptop and a wireless connection but hey no problem I can still play with him.

Now you have a brief look at the beginnings of this blog. Parables on Life according to me. I should probably let my kids commit me, I'd get free meals a place to live and I hear there Internet connection is great for currency trading.